Most Noble Mr. Facinelli,
It has recently come to my attention that you exist. Sure, I'd seen the movie, but I was slow to believe that a vampire would actually turn out to be an actor--a real person. I took you more for a lawyer, actually.
Like I said, I have watched the movie and I think you played a really great vampire. As mentioned, I'm surprised to find you're actually not one. Anyway, your character was great--one of the best of the film.
You were so great, in fact, that my wife now knows everything she can possibly know about you from reading the Internets. And this brings us to the real problem. My wife really likes reading the Internets and hanging out at this place called Twitter. She's been engrosed by your recent bet involving the garnering of some 500,000 Twitter followers. That's pretty great and impressive and all, but unfortunately the obsession runs deeper.
My wife consulted the Wikipedia, and now knows more about you than I know about her. Every day, it's Peter Facinelli this and Peter Facinelli that. I'm not even sure she's saying your name right.
But who am I to judge? I'm not the obsessed one.
This needs to stop. Order must be returned to the galaxy.
There is only one way to end this. You need to hand over all your Twitter tweeple to me. Only in this way will I restore balance to my coolness and once again claim my wife's attention. Do this, and you won't hear from me again. Refuse, and I swear on my dead aunt's dog that I'll use my force grip on you. Because seriously, if my wife tells me one more tidbit of useless knowledge about some unknown aspect of your life and career, I'm going to go ballistic.
You're cool and all, but this needs to end. Like yesterday.